


Oceanographer's Choice

by morporkian_hobbit



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depression, Feels, Post-Reichenbach, Reichenfeels, Songfic, a lot of reichenfeels, at least seb did, did you miss me, yes we did you bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 12:41:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13857993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morporkian_hobbit/pseuds/morporkian_hobbit
Summary: What will I do when I don't have you to hold on to in the dark?





	Oceanographer's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic, a fanfiction inspired/based on a song: in this case, Oceanographer's Choice, by The Mountain Goats. I discovered that song thanks to Hippano (seriously, if you don't know her Tumblr, go check it out, she's got some quality MorMor content), and found it really fitting for the ship. So I proceded to become extremely obsessed with it and listen to it on repeat for a few days... until this fanfic popped out.  
> This fanfic being in English, I had it corrected by beta-readers, whom I'd like to thank: ofmanipulatingdeath and thorki_4_life.  
> Expect feels.

_Well, guy in a skeleton costume comes up to the guy in the Superman suit  
Runs through him with a broadsword_

He needed a distraction. Needed to empty his mind… empty it from these thoughts that were devouring him and fill it with numbness. But everything reminded him of Jim. The sound of a song he liked… the smell of the Chinese food they would buy when they were too lazy to cook… the sight of blood and murder in the news on the television… the whole world had become a mirror of the years spent with his love, a cruel image that lacked the soul of it, the one person who had made his life worth living.

_I flip the television off, bring all the bright lights up  
Turn the radio up loud_

He couldn’t bear the silence anymore. He needed the noise, the lights, the confusion, he needed to see the life around him to remind him how to live. He couldn’t let himself go. This is not what Jim would have wanted. Or at least, that is what Sebastian kept repeating himself. But with every passing day he was less and less sure of it. Did he really know what Jim had wanted ? What had been  his intentions? Jim’s mind was so dark, his thoughts so devious, his life so full of lies and deceptions and masquerades… Had he ever even known his lover ? Or did he just see yet another mask ? Maybe that was why Jim was gone now. He had left Sebastian, because the man had failed to understand him…

 _I don't know why I'm so persuaded_  
_That if I think things through_  
_Long enough and hard enough_  
_I'll somehow get to you_

Yet today, even with Jim gone, he couldn’t help himself but keep trying. Dissecting every memory, every word said, trying to find sense in the tragedy that had sent his life spiralling into an endless void of pain and loneliness.  
His memories of Jim were all he had left. And yes, they hurt. Yes, they were cruel. But they were his last anchor, keeping him from sinking into the dark waters of his despair. Remembering that once, he had been happy, he had been loved, he had had someone to protect. Once, a long time ago, a time that felt like centuries, he had had a purpose.  
  
_But then you came in and we locked eyes_  
_You kicked the ashtray over as we came toward each other_  
_Stubbed my cigarette out against the west wall_  
_Quickly lit another_

The images rushed back to his mind. His dark eyes, his burning hand, his wicked smile, his whole being calling him and longing for his touch. Two men in love. It was as simple as that. They didn’t need anything else. The other was all that counted, all they needed to be on top of the world, to be stronger than anyone else. They ruled the world, pulled the strings in the darkness to make all the little puppets dance. They didn’t care if people were hurt, broken, killed. It was violent, it was ruthless, and it was beautiful. They both burned like flames, like a brazier, and turned the world around them into ashes. All that mattered was that they were both together, the rest could go to Hell.  
  
_Look at that, would you look at that?_  
_We're throwing off sparks_  
_What will I do when I don't have you_  
_To hold onto in the dark?_

He could see him, standing in front of him in the wrecked living room, as clear as he if had really been there, a soft smile upon his lips, his dark eyes riveted into Sebastian’s. But it was all false. Jim was dead, buried six feet under, alive only in Sebastian’s tortured memory. Was that what madness and grief had brought him to? Jim’s ghost haunting him in his darkest hour, falsely letting him believe there was still hope?  
Holding on to the illusion was tempting. He could drift into madness and live in memories, leave this horrifyingly empty world and lock himself up in dreams and mirages. But somewhere deep inside he knew that they would only destroy him. He had no control over the fantasies of his mind, and they would sooner or later turn him insane. He had to hold himself together, to stay strong, to forget him...  
He got up and walked straight onto the still smiling silhouette.

« You’re only a hallucination. I’m stronger than that. Leave my life alone ! »

  
_Yes, everybody's going to need a witness  
Everybody's going to need a little backup in case the scene gets nasty_

Flesh. And bones. Solid. Smooth, slippery fabric of a prohibitively expensive suit. Warm and soft skin, pink lips suddenly pressing onto his, spidery fingers intertwining with his. A feeling he hadn’t experienced in centuries, and that he thought he would never experience again. More real than any hallucination could ever be.

« Did you miss me ? »

The sound of his voice drilled into Sebastian’s mind, finishing to convince him that the impossible had come true. He remained speechless, frozen, for what seemed like hours, held captive in the intense gaze of the dark eyes staring at him, a void open on a soul so dark yet so luminous at the same time, a soul that he had never hoped to contemplate again.

« You… »

  
_You throw the attic window open and I throw myself all around you_  
_And night comes to Tallahassee_

There was no holding back possible anymore. All the fear, the grief, the despair he had kept together all these years burst out. He craved Jim’s touch, Jim’s words, Jim’s poison, he needed to fill himself up with a presence he had been lacking so long, to fill in the holes left in him by that bullet that Jim had shot so long ago, to take and take and take what had been kept away from him for years ; he needed to let Jim know everything he had been through, to make him feel all the pain he had felt, all the darkness that had smothered his life since he had left him.

  
_I don't know why it's gotten harder to keep myself away  
Thought I'd finally beat the feeling back, it all came back today_

« You know damn well I did, you… you… »  
He couldn’t find words strong enough, mad enough to express his hatred, his love and his longing. Jim did not resist, and somehow kept smiling at Sebastian, though tears were rolling down his face – or were they on Sebastian’s ? There was no way anymore to know who was who as their two bodies crashed together.

  
_And then we fell down and we locked arms, we knocked the dresser over as we rolled across the floor_  
_I don't mean it when I tell you that I don't love you anymore_

« I missed you too. »

This is the way it should be, thought Sebastian. The two of them, alone, living their love like a fight for life. The way it should have always been. And always would be from then on.

« I’ll never leave you again. »

  
_Look at that, would you look at that?_  
_The way the ceiling starts to swerve_  
_What will I do when I don't have you?_  
_When I finally get what I deserve_


End file.
